The Root of Emotions
by Snake Tamer
Summary: Remus begins to understand his feelings for Sirius and becomes awkward and withdrawn. But things start to change as Remus' emotions start to posses him. But does Sirius feel the same?duhh, it's slash. [by Rionne]
1. February

January faded delicately in a blur of blue-white snow and bleary sunrises. Remus, who had earlier watched snowflakes dance through indigo skies to blanket the browning earth, observed the thick drifts thaw as the pallid sun warmed. He had become oddly passive and dejected, the world reflecting shallowly in his watery blue eyes. A strange sadness had come over him, creeping softly like the blackened fingers of night. Although not miserable, the sheepish grin that had once crept so easily across his face now felt unfamiliar and false. Laughter now spilled bitterly over his lips like molten iron. He had gradually felt his heart harden, felt the bitterness and loneliness creeping in, but found his discontentedness mysterious and perplexing.

Remus sighed and sank back into the armchair in which he was seated, averting his gaze from the window. He looked impassively at the fire blazing in front of him, pondering his loneliness and attempting to trace his acrimony back. He presumed it had all started with Delia. He had sensed the danger lurking around her since when she had first flounced into Sirius's life, dusky gold hair glinting softly in the subdued light. She was entirely unlike the others who desired him; where they were dependent and frivolous, she was coy and sardonic.

He could feel Sirius falling in love with her; he knew Sirius was going to ask her out before the other even began to fathom his feelings for her. James was the first to complain about Sirius's constant absence; his restlessness was aggravated incredibly by his best friend's absence. He, therefore, followed Sirius's example and began spending all of his time with Lily Evans. At first, Peter tried talking to Remus, but he was greeted with cold indifference and knowingly kept his distance.

_Love makes fools of us all_, Remus mused bitterly. He had come to realize that he was envious of the emotion that had caused him such misfortune. He envied the careless swagger in Sirius's walk, how recklessly he laughed, how content his smile was when he was looking at Delia. He envied how nothing else mattered to him as he floated blissfully above his melancholy friends, who observed his flight from the decaying earth.

With James, Remus was indifferent. He missed his company, but he knew how much Lily meant to him. Besides, both preferred Sirius's company to that of the others'. In truth, their friendship was strengthened by the knowledge that they liked each other second best, for it eliminated competition. However, Remus couldn't help but feel that Sirius preferred James to him, and jealousy tore at his heart. He couldn't offer Sirius the reckless companionship that James did, but their strong bond left him feeling isolated.

Remus rose irritably and briskly strode from the common room, making his way down the stairs. Anger had crept into the corners of his eyes, overtaking him slowly as he walked down the stairs towards the entrance. Throwing open the main door, he glided swiftly to the tree by the frozen ebony lake under which he and his friends often sat in warmer weather. He sighed and leaned against its rough and gray trunk, closing his eyes and breathing in the crisp air. His eyes fluttered open; he had calmed considerably. He gazed across the lake, his anger at Sirius gently waning. He was being ridiculous— if Sirius was in love, it didn't matter, Remus told himself: that should have nothing to do with their friendship. It had nothing to do with his and James's. However, he pondered, he had always enjoyed being with Sirius more, so his disappearance should mean more.

_Well, not as much as it does_, he considered. _I don't like Sirius _that_ much more than James._ He should like James better, he realized; Sirius was reckless and foolish, dark and oddly intoxicating. He was dangerous and corruptive from his softly vigilant silver eyes to his wry smile. The wry smile that only he could detect softness in…

Suddenly with startling clarity Remus realized the real source of his sadness, his loneliness, his envy. He slumped against the tree and slid down, dark robes puddling in the balding snow.

_I'm in love with him_, he sat bewildered, staring without seeing towards the horizon.

_Love has made yet another fool. _


	2. March

February passed, shedding her white shroud to reveal her browning grasses. Now silver rain was beginning to fall, and the earth began to breathe again in feeble, gasping breaths. Remus watched storm clouds gather slowly, bruised blues and dismal grays assembling quietly and weeping softly until only their hollow carcasses remained, which were swept away by the mournful winds. He pressed his face against the cold glass and watched his breath form little clouds, in which he engraved Sirius' initials until they too were hollow.

In this time of gentle winter, where colors began to return and song began anew, Remus felt himself fading. His attention became a homeless bird, flitting from one brief excitement to the next, straying from work that needed to be done. March had come timidly, and Remus began to wait for the imminent storm to break, for the waves of soft rains were whetting the earth's desire for nourishment but never quite satiating it. The clouds hardly moved from the horizon, blocking the lurid sun as if they were unable to roll away. And so it had been for several weeks, the youth mused.

"Moony?" a soft voice shattered Remus' serenity. "Er… Moony?" Remus turned his head from the rain-streaked window and his eyes met with those of deep silver, so delicately framed with lashes; the eyes which he had so nonchalantly looked at weeks ago, which now caused him to avert his gaze. "I thought I could find you here," Sirius grinned nervously and lowered himself into an armchair next to Remus'. They sat in silence for a few moments before Remus turned back to the window. Sirius took this opportunity to study his pale face, framed in yellow-gold and gently freckled; dark circles had pooled under his liquid honey eyes, which palely reflected the passing world. Remus wore a grave air, enshrouding himself in its solemn folds.

The shafts of sullen sunlight that had just started to penetrate the clouds dappled his hair, his skin, his robes, and Remus carried a wisdom and sadness beyond his years. The sunlight shone dully in his eyes; Sirius noticed him picking pensively at crimson threads on his chair. Sirius stirred uncomfortably, the silence settling heavily around him; he spoke again.

"Moony…" Sirius began, then hesitated. "Remus," he started again in a soft voice. Lupin turned to face Sirius, and he realized that this was the first time Remus had made eye contact with him in several weeks. His head was tilted at a questioning angle, and his eyes were slightly confused. "Er, Moony," Sirius began again. Remus' unfaltering yellow gaze began to make him feel uneasy. "We've been really worried about you. You haven't been at any meals recently and… you don't really seem to be interested in anything any more. 'You alright?"

Remus was once more staring out the window, considering his response. "I suppose I'm just a little out of it," he murmured.

Sirius grinned. "Good. I hate to see you like this, Lupin. It's depressing, mate."

Remus laughed, genuine laughter shrouding a bitter undertone. "Things have just changed a little. I simply have to… adjust."

Now it was silver eyes that shone confusion. Remus grinned wolfishly at this look and Sirius gave a small smile; something about Remus' face made him feel oddly like cornered prey.

Remus sat watching the clouds, his body spread out on the corpse of a snow bank. He observed them gather and felt the sky darken, felt the air thicken; this was the storm he had been waiting for. When the graying darkness was complete, the rains began to fall; gently at first, but increasing steadily as gales of wind breathed through them. Remus sat on his knees, robes plastered to his damp flesh, the moisture of his body indistinguishable from the moisture falling through air. Harder and harder the sky wept; lightning penetrated the clouds as thunder moaned loudly, vibrating through the earth. The wind pulsed through the trees, brining huge droplets crashing down through the snow.

Remus was now crying, his tears washed away by the raging storm. The wind now began wailing Sirius' name and Remus wept along with it, aching for what Delia had. He staggered down to the lake and waded into the crisp waters, drunken by love and despair. As the storm climaxed, he silenced, listening not to the voices of his misfortunes but to the furious melody of the storm. Rain turned to hail, cutting into the snow and lake, and Remus began to laugh, softly at first, but harder and harder until he was sobbing from joy and sadness all at once. He sank to his knees, shivering from the cold, and laughed and wept until he ached. He fell back onto the shore of the lake, shaking and sputtering, coughing and crying.

As he headed back to the castle, the sky began to clear.

**Author's Note**- I know thunderstorms are a summer thing, but they do happen in winter. Sometimes. Like I researched it. Kay thanks.

P.S. Review or I'll eat your firstborn


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